i don't get it.....

we just got back from montgomery this past weekend with Emma. we had a total blast! it was a fun road trip and i can't wait to take more with her in the future. we hung out at my brother and wife's tennis club and we went to the pool on saturday with some friends. saturday night we had a bunch of friends come over and we all celebrated Em's 4th birthday. it was so much fun and Em was clearly the entertainment of the night. we danced, laughed, cried, ate, and talked all night. it was complete.

this week is my last week at GE. my friend left today and moved back to Boston so its really quiet around here now. next week i have the whole week off before i start back at E&Y and i'm trying to decide what to do? i'm thinking i'm just going to fly somewhere random. maybe NYC or L.A. i just need to get away and relax before i start the grind again of public accounting. i need to just meditate a bit about everything.

which leads me to my next subject, God. my last post talked about how i get it now. well, i don't really. the only person that probably got it was Jesus and His followers. that's why i hold on to Christianity as my foundation though. its an on going battle with me and it has taken me to many eccentric places. i'm just trying to get it. not like the crazy women at church that look posessed when their singing or those people that throw their hands up in the air and wave 'em. i'm trying to get a feeling of purity, content, and amazingness. sort of a metaphoria high i think? the kind that wakes you up and i'm struggling with it right now. it's almost becoming something i've become obsessive about and i'm praying every day about it.

religion is just a structure and people/society like structure in their daily lives. i think we all need some form of structure and that's why different religions have different hours/days of meditation and prayer. when i go to the middle east, i hear prayer calls across the cities every 3 hours or so. when i go to a catholic or protestant church, there is structure to the service. there is structure at work. there is structure all around us. people have goals and create a so called "path" which parallels a certain structure to life. we never know what life holds for us in the future. or do we really?

we are all going to die someday. i remember when i was a kid growing up asking the priest in the Catholic school that i went to specifically how do i know that i'm going to heaven when i die? and the priest looked at me and said, you don't know and you won't know until the day you die. that response has kind of scared me and which is why i've been searching for so many years.

one of the things i've realized though is that i need to quit reading too much into this stuff and start looking at myself and not what other's say or say to believe. i analyze too much which is probably just the CPA in me. everything that i've read about religion, sects, cults, etc etc has been based on what other people have published or put up on their websites. it's their opinions, yes, and i respect them. but to me, Christianity and my knowledge of it is often described from someone else's point of view. and if it's from someone elses point of view, i guess i don't really know what i'm after or what i'm trying to feel or gain by all of this...or do i? i'm just going by what the Bible says and not what people say. if i want to validate something, i'm going to validate it through the Bible and not what others say.

what i've learned from the Bible thus far is that Christianity is based upon the belief that the man Jesus, was both Lord and Christ. what that means is that He is Master and Savior. and if you truely believe that he died for all of us and rose from the dead, then you are "saved". in the new testament, it says to repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins...to make disciples of all nations...to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit....and when people hear or read this, they need to be cut to the heart. i'm waiting to be cut to the heart.

honestly, the closest i've felt to God or when i've felt cut to the heart is when Emma was born. i felt unconditional love for her and this is what the Bible preaches...this unconditional or agape Love that God has for you. this is probably the most difficult thing i struggle with also because there are so many evil things in the world today and there is so much hatred out there. when Jesus was crucified or when Stephen was stoned, they both said Lord, please forgive them or do not hold this sin against them.....really, how many of us would be saying that when we are put in that same situation?

i don't know if i'll ever get to that point in my life, but what i do know is that im on my own path and journey. i'm trying to just get it? is it really a feeling at all or is it just something people act out? i felt something when Emma was born that i can't compare to anything else. maybe this is what i'm waiting. or is it?